The Fish

"Now the sea is in me: I am the fish, the fish glitters in me: we are risen, tangled together, certain to fall back to sea." -Mary Oliver

    Last week we had a death in our family - it was the best kind you could hope for - a man who lived to be almost ninety-seven years old, lived in his own home until the end, was still married to and living with his bride of almost seventy-one years, and welcomed ten great-grandchildren into the world. Still, it's always hard to lose someone you love - and though you should be grateful for all the time you had, you are greedy and you want more time. It became so natural to see my grandfather sitting quietly in his chair at all of the holidays - taking it all in, scotch in hand. By the end, he didn't really know who was who, but he understood that he was surrounded by family. As an adult, I've been processing all of this, but as a parent, I'm left feeling a bit unsettled. My three-year-old daughter has never seen death. She doesn't understand. "I made this for Pop Pops," she told me with a drawing in hand, "because he died. I'll give it to him next time we go to his house." So I try to explain what death means, but I don't want to, because it feels like she is losing a little bit of her innocence. That is the part that's hard.
    As always, reading helps in times like this. It helps to explain the unexplainable. Just as going-to-bed books help our children to wind down and welcome the night, the darkness, the unknown at the end of each day, so too can they help to represent what it means to "pass away." My sister gave my daughter a beautiful little book called Little Owl's Night for Christmas. My sister told me the book had brought her to tears the first time she'd read it, and I initially didn't get it. It was among five or so new books she received, so I'd been doling these out slowly. I read it to her for the first time about a month ago, and then again by chance at the end of last week. 
     "Little Owl was having a wonderful night," it begins...and goes on to explain all of the wonderful creatures Little Owl visits with on his way home. "Moths fluttered toward the moon. Silver dust fell from their wings. Little Owl wanted to follow, but it was time to head home." In the midst of a beautiful night, it was time for Little Owl to go to sleep. But like most little things, Little Owl became unsettled before sleep. Every night he asked his mom how night ends. "'The moon and stars fade to ghosts,' Mama said. 'Spiderwebs turn to silver threads. Dewdrops sparkle on leaves and grass like tiny stars come down...The sky brightens from black to blue, blue to red, red to gold.'" You get it, by the end of the book - it is morning and Little Owl has peacefully fallen asleep.
     Of course when I reread this book after experiencing a loss, I shed tears too. I know my daughter is too young to understand metaphors, but there is a sense of comfort in reading books like this together. Each time we read together, we are creating a baseline of understanding about life. She understands that the Owl was scared, that he needed some reassurance before sleep, that in the end he was able to let go and go to sleep. Red to Gold...


What we're reading now: Ladybug Girl Loves...


Why: Because I tried to offset all of the candy yesterday with a book as a gift and it was met with much resistance:) "Where is my real gift?"

What I'm looking for: Which books have helped you tackle this weighty subject with your kids?